BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Worst perfume name ever.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.