Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though