Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
This is so me 😂😂
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.