Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The only equipped I am is ill.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.