My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
PILOT: weâll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
âSup
Husband: Ok, this isnât funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear itâs not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up đđ„ł
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far sheâs narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds âfitâ to bio before collapsing]
Oh the things you donât know you agreed to when pressing âacceptâ on the internet…
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank youâŠand no thank you!
Me: Same though.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!