me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
Try and stop me.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
💁🏻♂️
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Money is the root of all wealth
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Awesome parenting 😂
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.