Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no