[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
You Might Also Like
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Sticker placement is key.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Alexa: *deep breath*
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade