9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The sacred texts.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.