I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Jail
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you