Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.