My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
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Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Not recommended for beginners.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.