him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir