My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.