My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
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How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
CUTE CAT‼︎
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.