[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies