The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom