Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
how long have you had this for?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go