“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
*skinny dips into black hole
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
reviewed some movies recently
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
oh you wanna fight?!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?