[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!