Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
why no one uses midhusbands
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually