ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
(Musicians.)
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.