I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything