Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus