An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
You Might Also Like
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?