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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no