Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
You Might Also Like
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening