My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
When libraries troll their patrons.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode