It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.