meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Wednesday
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.