I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine