*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
You Might Also Like
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.