NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys