presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
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Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It was worth a shot 😂
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter