Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I forgot how to panic. Help
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.