me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee