Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
hackers play passwordle
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Name another movie that mislead you?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.