Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
(True)
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.