“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Before & after 😅
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO