Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
The happy life.. 😊
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants