“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.