Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
my mom making me talk to relatives
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”