A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
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Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*