Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.