Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine