*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere