Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.