#JohnTravolta
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You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Pikachu found the lost joint
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.