Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.