If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
new career option?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Tier 3 meme
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit